Call me a fool...

I put myself out there again.

I will probably get hurt.

This will not be the first time my heart has been broken, and I know it won't be the last. But I don't care. I'll live it out. At least I'll have no regrets.

Sometimes the years seem like they were weeks...

Some things I remember so vividly, while others have just slipped away.

I'm taking better notice now.

It's taken me 32 years to start figuring shit out and feeling like I'm getting the right answers most of the time. It's amazing. Not figuring shit out...because shit sucks. I mean, life just sucks in general. The world is big fucking black hole trying to suck all the life out of you. But you can't let it. It's a choice. I completely believe that. Not that you can control every thing that happens to you, but you can control your reaction to it. And I don't take credit for the way my life has turned out. My life is amazing and and I'm incredibly lucky it turned out that way. The people in my life are to blame.

It's only taken me 30 years to get here, so the next 50 years should be a breeze! I might have to change the name of this blog...(Knocking on wood...)

I've got to admit, it's getting better...

My life is slowly improving, little by little, bit by bit. And it has nothing to do with my financial situation. In fact, that is as shitty as ever. I've just stopped caring. I don't even give a shit about my credit score anymore. Maybe my actual life hasn't really changed much, just how I feel about it.

My attitude has been annoyingly and persistently positive lately. The trip to Boston was definitely a help. I'm actually really lucky it turned out as well as it did. I also owe it to some really nice people living about 500 miles north of here. Unfortunately, I can't afford to take a trip like that every few months, or even every year. I also have only been back to work 1 out of the last 7 days. and was on vacation before that. I'm hoping that once I get back into the routine, my attitude won't slide downhill.

I am suddenly optimistic about my romantic future, as well. I'm not looking for anything, but I have a good feeling. I almost never have a good feeling like that. Things are definitely looking up.


This improvement, however, is taking too long. I don't like waiting. That's what being sick feels like, just sitting around and waiting. All I can hope for is that my body heals quickly, and is finally able to keep up with my mind.

So sick of....

the bullshit...seriously. I like almost everyone until they give me a reason not to. But if you don't like me, then I beg of you to spare me the bullshit. My god I must be the most paranoid person out there.
I actually had a really good time tonight...until I saw a certain person I knew, and they completely ignored me. More than that, they said hello and then walked in the other direction and never said another word to me all night. I felt like they were even avoiding me. Am I being ego-centric, or what? I don't know, but I do know it bothers the shit out of me. I am willing to admit that it bothers me. If they didn't notice me, that would be fine, but I am pretty sure they did. And I never did anything to this person. In fact I felt I had a few good conversations with them. But still, they act like they have no idea who I am, or like I have the plague. WTF. Oh well, I guess I just need to get over it. So I will, but not without first pondering what the hell is going on. I guess I need to get used to this feeling. This not knowing what's going on. It's very disconcerting, but I guess that's life.

Basic early-morning ramblings

I didn't dig it at first, but I have to say, I look pretty damn good in just a football jersey.

But I digress...

Why does almost everyone let their ego get in the way of their relationships with others? Seriously, there are so many missed connections in people's lives because they can't risk their egos getting bruised. Sometimes we can't even say; what the fuck? That really bugged me. Why did you do that? We just sit with our misconceived notions, butthurt about something the other person did, while all the while they are wondering why we're being distant.

I bring this up mostly because I know I sometimes piss people off with the things I say. I can be brutally honest. Some people cannot handle this. It's not really them, it's their egos that cannot handle it. I understand, it can be hard to take. I'm not always the first to admit my faults. I am as guilty as anyone. But I can admit my mistakes. While I may get upset at first, I can think about it, and come back later and say; you know, you were right. Sorry I acted like a douche.

On the other hand, I LOVE when I realize I wasn't wrong. That I did nothing wrong. That I had every right to act the way I did in that situation. I thought I was admitting to my faults, when they really weren't faults at all. That is the best kind of absolution. When you realize you have nothing to be absolved from. It's much easier to live your life free of regrets.

Some people just like drama. Often it's the people who say they despise it the most that cause much of it. Seriously, if you don't want drama, just don't bring it up. Don't talk about it. Don't talk to that person. Don't talk ABOUT that person. Deal with it and get it out of your system if you have to, talk to a close friend or your therapist, but definitely DO NOT repeatedly post about it on Facebook. And if you honestly don't care, you just won't talk about it anymore.

So, I kinda like this blogging thing. I might keep it up for a while. It's like talking to a close friend, and the whole world, and no one, all at the same time. Whatever that means.

Please don't rain on my fucking parade

So, I have a few things to get off my chest.

Quite a few things...